<--- Goes in line with this.
I've been feeling so down lately, so down to the point that art, music and video games all seem rather... pointless to me. Everything does, but I keep drawing anyway..
But my migraines have been getting worse lately and in turn, my other issues have followed suit. But it got me thinking.. and fearing.
We've tried a lot of things for my Migraines, (Diet changes, vitamins, medications.) All with no success save for blood pressure meds that while made me migraine free, dropped my BP dangerously low and was forcibly taken off of; there's only a few more options left. Dangerous options.
On one hand, these other meds and procedures have a very slim chance of making me better, while on the other hand a very HIGH chance of leaving me permanently worse than I am now, either bed-bound, crippled, brain damaged or dead. These are things that HAVE worked for other people, but my running streak of having rather severe reactions to even low doses of common medications, my doctors have all agreed that these other medications and procedures would be rather risky.
Now, nobody is pushing me to do these things, but; nobody is supporting me not doing them either. It seems rather clear that unless I want to do these dangerous things, I don't want to get better, when I desperately do. But there's no point in being migraine free and crippled from doing even less than I already can. I would rather keep my migraines and still be able to at least draw or talk to my friends, than run the risk of another stroke/seizure and serious memory loss again or worse.
I just feel so trapped, it's like either do the dangerous thing, or buck up and pretend you aren't sick because you obviously aren't if you aren't willing to risk EVERYTHING to get rid of this disease.
I get so frustrated, when all my doctors and therapist keep sitting on the thought that this is all temporary. The Migraines, mostly. They're permanent, I've had them my whole life, they aren't going to just go away. Everyone is just telling me to sit tight and wait for them to go away, instead of giving me the tools to cope with them now. Everyone wants me to make plans for when they're gone, or even start those plans when I CAN'T. Nobody seems to understand how crippled I am by the pain these migraines bring me. EVERY DAY. I can't do, anything that even slightly raises my BP without SERIOUS painful repercussions later. I can't have fun without paying for it later.
Imagine, taking your favorite thing, and every time you did that thing someone shot you in the skull. You'd stop doing that thing wouldn't you? Now imagine that with ANTYHING. Anything that gets your blood pressure up just a little bit, even BENDING OVER. Just picking something up off the floor brings me pain. And then sometimes for no reason at all.
This isn't even all of it, not even going to touch on the blacking out, mental issues, the anxiety, depression, ED, SH, gender issues and just.. I just want it all to stop. I feel like the best part of my life is behind me, and it's just loneliness and pain from here on out. A slow crawl into my grave.
I'll never have my own home, a partner, or even friends I can touch and hug agian. I'll never travel or be in the medical field.
I want to be put to sleep, like for surgery; just go to sleep for a while and wake up thoughtless and safe feeling. Go stay in a hospital for a while.
I want to drink, that's the only time I'm pain-free and feeling my greatest is when I was drinking. Alcohol took away my anxiety, my food issues, my pain. But, drinking is bad, I get addicted too easily, as desperate as I am to rid myself of this pain, I just couldn't. I can't turn back to drinking when I know where it landed me before.
I'm so tired of being alone, but I'd feel like a burden to anyone in person(partner or friends), but I can't take this loneliness.